Pregnancy-colourful for many but blue for some..

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I belong to the 2nd category..though i always thought i was in the 1st..Pregnancy is indeed a blessing that most women look forward to at some point in their life…it completes the womenhood..but not all are blessed with it though.

Every girl looks forward for the baby showers, gifts, pampering,maternity photography, baby shopping,babymooning,maternity clothes ,9 months of fun , happiness , glowing skin,growing belly…etc..etc..Even i was dreaming of all this the first time i got preggy in 2013..but faith had something totally different from what i ever dreamt of..infact i had a nightmare.

I wanted to work throughout my pregnancy..1st pregnency i did go to hospital(i am a doctor) for 4 months then i quit to be at home and enjoy pregnancy as my mother was very concerned about my health.I was at mangalore with my hubby when i got pregnant but came back to kerala by 4th month to stay at home..until now everything was fun..i was enjoying this stage of my life..specially the feeling of something growing inside me…creating a life…such a blessed feeling only a women can understand.So now it was time for my 5th month scan..as usual went for the scan and my doctor said something about my cervical length being short etc..which is ok for most of the ladies..my obgyn also felt the same…but after one week i had bleeding and i was shifted to hospital where i was told i had to abort the baby as my baby is already in the process of coming out and too small to survive.I was shocked but not very shocked as i thought there will be some ways to prevent it..afterall  science and medicine has evolved so much and there is a solution for most of the stuffs.I insisted i wanted to try everything before giving up even though i knew i had only one percent chance of holding my baby alive in my arms.I was only 19weeks pregnent..in india viability is 28 weeks…i need to keep my baby inside for 10 more weeks somehow.I had cervical incompetence..something that is usually only diagnosed after one or two pregnancy losses,thats the worst part.i remember studying about in college but never gave much importance to that as it wasnt so common nor  was it important for exams. Now my choice was to try that 1 percent chance ..that was to have a vaginal cerclage( tying a knot at the end of the cervix to prevent the baby from coming out) and complete bed rest..no getting up at all ,what ever be the reason. Since  i was already in the critical phase i was shifted to a bigger hospital for my cerclage..i hate the memory of this part of my life..if only i had a remote to fast forward or delete this..

So i got my cerclage under general anaesthesia was done the day i reached the bigger hospital and was put to bed rest with iv line continuous with all sort of medicines to prevent any infection that can harm my baby and me …but after a week another scan showed my length has reduced even further..i was immediately taken for another cerclage  this time under spinal anaesthesia .Two days later at night my water broke and i delivered my baby..during the process of labour i was not very emotional or anyting. iIwas scared…to death…i was only thinking of finishing this ordeal..when i saw my mother and mother in law( more than a mother in all ways)crying..i was half drowsy from the pain ..fear…don know..but i am sure i heard  other people around me , the doctors and nurses feeling sympathetic..and were like oh so sad..oh what a tragedy etc.I delivered and next day i came home without my belly and no baby..my baby didnt survive which i knew the time my water broke..but i always hoped for a miracle..everyone was normal by the next day or they acted normal..i was normal too as i endured too much physical pain and exhaustion..i was missing my baby but i thought it was faith.

During all this there was one person who kept his cool and was beside me…i was not alone..it was my husband , who is my pillar of strength..till that dreaded day 6th august 2013 he was a easy go type guy who loves to eat and have fun…he is my best friend and my partner in crime..but on 6th august this boy  became a man with complete control over his emotions and full of strenght to face anything..he had the hardest time hiding his emotions so that i or anyone in the family felt everything was normal.Nothing was normal after that.We still miss our first born baby boy. There is a void in our hearts.we lost him on 13th aug 2013..but my husband and me realised that life has lots of ups and downs…its not a piece of cake .

One month passed by after my loss, we went to mangalore and life was going on..just then one day my hubbys relative calls and tells us about their daughters pregnancy. It was hard for me..i suddenly felt something was missing..y me…y did i have to face everything bad…somehow i kept my tears inside and started to look at life brightly..

Now here goes it again…oh i miss my periods that month..thought maybe hormones..but my husband said we ll do a pregnancy test.I laughed out loud but deep inside me i said what if??So we got the pregnency kit and tested that evening and guess what i was pregnant again!..just one month after my loss.My hubby and i was so delighted..the whole evening we giggled and rejoiced but soon got back into our senses..I cant have a baby so soon..my body needs time to heal after all the procedures i went through..but we are definitely not dropping the baby..since we both were doctors we knew too much so it was so difficult to keep cool.Next day the first thing we did was meet my obgyn…we met her ..her opinion,  keep the baby …we ll get a preventive cerclage by 11th week and i ll b on complete bed rest plus weekly progestrone injections and loads of oral medications..i was ready..but my hubby was skeptical ..

I started packing my bags…back to kerala for further treatment and bed rest.I was on complete bed rest and 11 th week i underwent an elective cerclage..then again continued my bedrest..but at around 19th week i had back aches etc..went for an usg…found i was dilating and baby preparing for delivery…my last nightmare began excatly the same time of pregnancy.I was again admitted and one more cerclage was done and i was put on complete bed rest in hospital till my delivery. I was at hospital for two weeks ,then one afternoon my water breaks and i delivered the baby.

Again i came home empty handed ..but different from last time…last time i had hope..i knew next time i ll do everything to prevent this…but now i lost it..i felt i can never have baby…i started hating my body.I hated me.My body was rejecting my own baby and i cant do anything…y me?As most indians love to blame their past life ,i too assured myself i was very bad very very bad in my last life.Now i wanted to hide myself…oh those sympathetic hugs & words from everyone i met…i hated it…

Then i started back with my life hoping smiling, almost looking normal…. but during all this my husband was reading searching the web and what ever resources he could gather about a treatment called Transabdomibal Cerclage…. one last word for Cervical Incompetence.  But not many doctors do it.. I got it done after one year and after another year and lots of struggle, I delivered a baby boy on april 2nd 2016…with a TAC ( trans abdominal cerclage) .

TAC / transabdominal cerclage..which only very few..a handful doctors prefer and only a few doctors do the surgery..its a surgical procedure done for cervical incompetence..even in US , UK and any part of the world only very few doctors do..as its invasive,little expensive(totally worth it) ,lack of expertise among doctors and last …delivery only via caesaerean section only ,no normal delivery.But do u really think to have a baby ,expense  or c-section matters?Igot it done in india by an indian doctor and have a baby in my arms…I ll give all details and talk about my TAC pregnancy & journey to be mother next time…
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